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Parenting Humor: Laughing So We Don’t Cry

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Parenting humor is a must because as much as social media would have us think other families have it all figured out, parenting can suck sometimes!

There are times of great joy, but the hard times seem easier to recall, so we must laugh. We need to know that we are not alone. Sometimes we need to know others have it worse than we do because we feel like our worlds are ending.

Other times we NEED to let out a giant belly laugh before we move on to getting lipstick or nail polish out of the carpet. You have to have a sense of humor when it comes to parenting because I’m not sure you can make it far without one.

Today, I’m sharing a compilation of humorous posts I’ve shared on this blog since my kids were toddlers. I hope they make you laugh. And I’m sending you a virtual hug. PS: You won’t find any dad jokes here; this is a mom post (sorry).

Have You Seen My Brain?

lady sitting on a sidewalk with her hands holding her head and her hair around her face she's distraught

Have you seen my brain?

Cause I’m pretty sure I’ve lost it!

Has this ever happened to you?

You are super excited to meet up with a friend, and you are taking a shower, getting dressed, and putting on your and the phone rings:

Me: Hello.

My Friend: Hey girl, where are you?

Me: I’m at home getting ready; where are you?

Friend: I’m here waiting for you; we were supposed to meet at 9:00.

Me: OH MY GOSH, tell me your kidding! I thought it was at 11:00.

The conversation above wouldn’t be so bad if the poor girl didn’t call me 20 times to confirm and remind me when we were meeting for the Bible study! Thankfully we shared a good laugh, and she adjusted her schedule.

This happens to me ALL the time.

I will stand at the refrigerator door staring at the food inside because I forgot what I was looking for

I mean, it’s the fridge. How hard can it be? I used to call it the “pregnancy stupids,” but after four kids, I am convinced I will never be “smart ” again, at least not on my own!

At this point, I resorted to making even more lists than before I had kids, using three dry-erase boards the size of Texas and my phone reminders!

These things are the only way to accomplish anything in a day!

I have to set my alarms to remind me, “hey, it’s time to pick those two boys up from school”, “don’t forget to buy Nilla Wafers for John Jr’s class”, “don’t forget to post on forgetting things”, or my least favorite “it’s time to wake up”!

Please tell me you can relate?!

National Moms Need A Spa Break Now

The one where I create a holiday for moms

diy sap ideas with flowers, bath salt, tea, nail polish, a banana, and avocado

Is it just me, or are moms completely overworked? Does this sound like you or a mom you know?

  • Put the bread in the freezer and the ice cream in the pantry.
  • Poured milk into the coffee pot and water into the sippy cup (hey, at least I didn’t pour coffee into the sippy cup)
  • I played with the dog and put the kid out. (This was a rather productive day)
  • Put the checkbook register in the mailbox instead of the bill. (Maybe if I send it away, it will return with a positive balance).
  • Microwaved the peanut butter (did you know that peanut butter will catch on fire?).
  • Used hair gel as toothpaste and hand sanitizer as shampoo (though not on the same day, and who in the heck put the sanitizer in the bathtub (I think I know)).
  • I find myself standing at the fridge looking in, without any idea what I’m there for.
  • I’ll call someone and forget who and why before they answer.
  • Sometimes I think each pregnancy took a little more of my mind. What’s even scarier is that people (namely my children) can be talking to me, and it’s like I’m in another world, and we are in the same car.
  • I have taken up permanent residence in la la land anytime I’m not directly responsible for someone’s safety (like when I’m sitting in the passenger’s seat).

These are just a few of the crazy things I may or may not have done (have not, if you are from child protective services) over the past year.

Tell me I’m not the only one, but more importantly, tell me this will indeed get better!

I plan to add another thing to my agenda: CREATE NATIONAL HOLIDAY.

This is increasing to the top of my To-Do list (355,643,184,877).

So today, I am crossing this bad boy off the list!

I proclaim on this day, March 11th, two thousand and eleven, that March is National Moms Need A Spa Break Now Month, also known as NMSPBNM!

It’s really simple for non-moms to help moms celebrate this month-long holiday!

All you have to do is make sure your mom takes weekend spa breaks (every weekend).

You can send them to a health spa, day spa, food spa, or scrapbooking spas; it doesn’t matter.

Just get their butts out of the house and away from everything, causing them to lose their minds!

Trust me; your country will thank you!

Moms need a break.

Imagine what your mom/wife/sister/friend may be able to do after a 1-hour massage, facial, mud bath, and whatever else they have done at those spas (I wouldn’t know…).

So in closing, don’t think about what your mother can do for you, but instead, think about what a spa can do for your mother (that phrasing sounds vaguely familiar, so I won’t take credit for it)!

NOTE: This is NOT, I repeat, NOT a personal message to my husband and children hinting at what I want for my birthday, Mother’s Day, Thanksgiving, or Christmas.

(Hallmark, if you are reading this, I have some amazing ideas for NMNASBNM cards).

Scream-Worthy Parenting Moments: Parenting Fails

baby covered in yogurt, child being punched in the face, stiches on chin, with text overlay that reads scream-worthy parenting moments

As a parent, I have had the pleasure of experiencing some amazing milestones and events.

Then some moments make me want to scream. These are those moments:

Raising kids requires so much patience; I had more tears than patience. Remember laughter is the best medicine 😉

Did You Know:

Children can find a canvas anywhere?!

baby covered i marker on her face

When placed on the make-shift changing table in your tiny bathroom, baby boys can pee into the bathroom vent Every. Single. Time.

Lifting a child in the air directly over your mouth after they just finished a bottle is a BAD idea. Saying he spit up into my mouth is an understatement.

Some toddlers like to play in their poop. I have experienced this with not three but ALL four children. My only solution to date: Duct Tape.

When the phone rings, it activates the evil stored in a child.

Suddenly they are doing things they would have never done, like painting the walls with marshmallow fluff. You better hope you’re not on the phone with a business associate because that releases the ultimate evil!

You might as well run your UFC fight in their bedrooms because the gloves are coming off, and they are fighting to the death.

What are you doing while this is happening? If you’re like me, you’re chasing them around the house, pointing your finger at them while you whisper, “I’m gonna kill you when I get off this phone!”.

banned from Falmouth Public Library
  • Can you get banned from the library? Of course, you can!

    When your toddler boys tear a few books, they give you one warning. When you return the second set of torn books and explain that your toddlers dragged a stool into the bedroom and grabbed all the library books from the top of the bookshelf where you hid them (while they were supposed to be napping), they will look at you like you’re crazy, and ask you not to return. Yes, that was me you saw crying outside.
  • Your toddlers will find it fascinating to go through your friend’s house, placing all of her toothbrushes and toothpaste in the closest toilets. Don’t worry, if she’s a good friend, she won’t accept the replacement brushes and will invite you back.
  • You don’t want to be invited back, though. Because this time, they will do far more damage. More damage than soggy toothbrushes, you ask? Oh yeah!

    It’s a little thing I like to call The Smear Brothers Take Down. What the toddlers do is find the most expensive lipstick in the house (did I mention this is your friend’s favorite RETIRED lip color), and they smear it into her cream-colored carpet.
  • You can be more embarrassed at church than anywhere else. When your son hits his Sunday School teacher, and she tells you about it in a way that makes you feel like a bad parent, you may spend 20 minutes crying in the church parking lot.
  • Children are sneaky. When you think they are sleeping peacefully in their beds, one of them decides it would be a nice night to visit the ER (or Heaven). She ingests 19 Triaminic Thin Strips with the help of your kitchen shears because she has a “feber”.

I think you get the point. My kids have spent most of their lives trying to make me scream! The good thing is that after a while, the things that made you want to scream will make you laugh! They will also make you wonder how your children are still alive.

Things I’ve Learned As A Parent

close up of a rock with a text overlay that reads things I've learned as a parent

Now that I’m updating this post and looking back on these things as the parent of two adult children and two teens, I can see the funny side of parenting. It wasn’t easy to see it when we were doing the hard work, and I felt like every day, I was trying to be a better parent than the day before.

The toddler and teen years are very similar, but the toddler years are physically tiring, whereas the teen years are mentally draining. I hope you will document the things your little kids do, because when they are teens, you can look back and remember what you went through and that you survived!

Here are some of the fun lessons I learned from my kids:

Baby formula should never be left beside the coffee pot – Yuck!

Milk doesn’t last long in the pantry & peanut butter is hard to use from the freezer.

Leaving a crayon in the cup holder makes beautiful van art.

chewing gum smeared down the hood of a minivan

Gum smeared down the hood of a van can be impossible to remove.

A kiss really can make it all better.

Something as simple as bouncing on the trampoline can make a mom the “Greatest Mom Ever.”.

Something as simple as a timeout can make a mom the “Worst Mom Ever.” or “Monster Mom”.

Ice cream and cake are acceptable substitutes for a “real” dinner.

Pants are always optional.

Chuck E Cheese never gets old (no matter how much you wish it did).

Conditioner makes a great lotion and floor wax.

Saying I’m sorry when you made a mistake can earn respect.

Nothing will ever replace the satisfaction of Snail Mail (especially packages).

child washing dishes in jeans with shorts over them and a t-shirt with a tank top over it.

Fashion is unnecessary! When you love a piece, it works with everything!

Our Burger King Experience:

Tonight I was forced to eat at the BK because it had an outdoor playground. I was shocked to see this, as many Burger King locations have done away with giving moms a chance to sit back and relax (or, in my case, feed the baby) while the hoodlum’s children run out of all that energy they have stored up.

So we pull in, and I give the marching orders (this is how I handle them when it’s just me, I’m the drill sergeant, and they are the cadets).

I told them we needed to head straight to the bathroom so I could change the girls’ diapers.

We entered the restroom, and it hit me like a diaper pail. I have NEVER been in a BK that has a changing table.

With a shred of hope, I asked Jordan to check the large stall for a changing table; it wasn’t there. Being the Houdini that I am, I managed to change Lexi standing up, but poor Anna had to wait until we got back to the car. I wasn’t about to lay her down on that nasty floor!

Seriously BK, consider this my warning! If you don’t care enough about moms to install a changing table in your bathrooms, I will stop at every BK I see and affix a neon poster in the ladies’ room that says, “Our dining room tables serve as changing tables for your convenience.”

Get with it BK!

Embarrassing Parenting Story: Airport Story Time

kid running through the airport with text overlay that reads that time my kids made my face turn red in the airport

Today I’m sharing my embarrassing parenting story. It’s one of many, if I’m honest.

This story was originally posted to Faithfully Frugal and Free in Jan 2010.

Maybe one day, I will start embarrassing my kids as payback!

We’ve all had them. Those moments last forever in your memory, and you pray you never see the innocent bystanders again.

They are moments that go viral on Facebook. I am so thankful my children grew up before people capturing your every move on their phones was a thing.

When I think a lot about when my boys were younger, I miss those days.

Life seemed difficult then, but I would love to have those days back. Life was simple, and they were embarrassing kids!

Don’t believe me?

I now submit to evidence:

Article A – The Airport

When the boys were young, we traveled to and from NC to visit with the kid’s grandparents.

My life as a stay-at-home mom and Spirit Airlines’ $9 Fare Club allowed me the freedom to visit every three months.

Most of our trips from Boston to Raleigh were just the boys and me.

You may have seen me there; I was the one running to make my connection pushing a double stroller with about 60 lbs of weight sitting in it (I had some chunksters), rolling two bags of carry-on, a stuffed diaper bag, and two car seats around my shoulders!

Oh yeah, and I was probably crying!

toddler brothers sitting together

On the way home from one of these lovely trips, we are standing in line at the gate, getting ready to board the plane, and I’m holding Jordan’s hand and have John Jr. on my hip.

John Jr. tells Jordan, “I found band-aids in mommy’s purse,”

Jordan then starts yelling, “I want a band-aid too mom, I want one, I want one.”

This causes me to start frantically digging in my purse, trying to find the band-aids, when I realize I never carry band-aids.

Curiously, I look up at John Jr. to discover that he has unwrapped a pad and stuck it to his forehead!

Death from embarrassment! I thought I was going to die!

Quickly, I ripped the maxi pad off his head and shoved it in my purse.

I’m not sure how many people witnessed my humiliation; I kept my head down and my eyes forward, and yes, I prayed, “Lord, please don’t ever let me see these people again,”

So far, so good! I think! 😉

5 Things You Should Have Told Me About Having Kids

multi colored balloons flying into the sky with a text overlay that reads 5 things you should have told me about having kids

Having children is such a blessing. I mean, it’s something we dream about as little girls.

We spend our days pretending to be moms and mother every person we can.

We mother animals, dolls, other children, basically anything that will sit still, but there are a few things I wish someone would have told me about being a mother before I became a mother.

You have to have a sense of humor.

I mean a strong sense of humor because you’ll probably cry if you don’t laugh.

Kids are crazy. They do crazy stuff, they say crazy stuff, and they will drive you crazy if you can’t find a way to laugh at the shenanigans they pull.

I think the best thing to do is to remember what it was like to BE a kid. Like, remember when all things poop and boogers were funny? Yeah, that should help you out a lot especially if you have boys!

If you find yourself scratching your head and asking why a child would do something, try to laugh it off and remember it’s because they are children.

Stuff doesn’t have to make sense to them. Trying what they see on YouTube seems like a good idea because … they are kids! The biggest advice I would go back and give myself is to lighten the heck up because being uptight is no fun for anyone.

kids covered in sidewalk chalk and pain on the back porch steps

You have to be okay with the mess.

Kids are dirty, nasty, messy creatures. They can do things you didn’t know were humanly possible.

They can poop in their shoes without even trying. I’m not kidding. They are also their own version of creativity. They think it’s creative to turn sidewalk chalk into the paint with water when you already have finger paint.

Why do they need sidewalk chalk paint? They don’t! You buy them chalk and paint; they don’t use either for their intended purposes.

Instead, they decide to “create” the best paint in the world using their kitchen toys,  water, and sidewalk chalk, and guess what, after making the biggest mess ever… they still NEVER PAINT WITH IT!

Just get over it and let them have fun! Dirty is fun, and it’s all a part of childhood.

You will need help!

I wish I had known early on that asking for help is okay and necessary.

Ask for advice, especially from parents who have already been there and done that.

The best feelings come when you feel alone and like you are failing as a mom, and you realize that a parent you look up to has been through a similar situation with their child. Parenting can feel so isolating at times, and you can feel like the worst parent on the planet with the worst kids, but you’re not, and their not, I promise!

You need someone you can trust to remind you of that when going through the darkest days!

blogger shasta walton posing with son at the marina in Elizabeth City, NC

They love you; then they hate you.

One moment your kids will love you more than anything, and the next, they will hate you.

Holy crap!

Why didn’t anyone prepare me for that? Seriously, how do you go from having children that fight to be near you at the movies to having conversations about discipline where they tell you with their words that they wish you didn’t “care so much” about them?

Or that dreaded moment when they yell that they hate you?

The thing you don’t realize is how painful those words can be. Remember to remain calm and try not to take it personally. It’s not that they hate you; in fact, they still love you just as much as they always have, they are just frustrated, and this, my friends, is what a teenage tantrum looks like.

You thought those fits in Walmart were bad? No, words can be much more painful than a five-minute tantrum in the grocery store. So remember that it’s not you they hate; it’s authority and rules. They want their own way, and you’re standing in that way.

One day they will thank you. Again, I promise.

You are going to get old; FAST

Children age you. They make you OLD!

Thanks a lot to everyone who ever knew this, and still let me start young.

Why didn’t you tell me that having children would age me much faster? Do you buy stock in anti-aging creams and beauty products? My skin is wrinkling, and my hair is thinning, and I know it’s because of the stress these little monsters angles have added to my life.

I love my children, but the older they get, the older I get, and it’s not just a birthday thing.

It’s like when my husband came out of boot camp. He looked fresh-faced like an eighteen-year-old should and came out looking like a twenty-five-year-old who had seen too much.

That’s how I feel. Like I’ve seen too much! I wouldn’t change it for the world, but a warning would have been nice!

These days I’m slathering on moisturizer like it’s going out of style and doing all I can to make this baby’s fine hair look as thick as possible.

My poor husband has lost much of his hair, and I have no doubt that it’s stress related! I can’t help him now, but I can protect myself! 😉

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