Social anxiety sucks, and I’ve learned over the years that there is more to it than a sinful heart. I now realize that mental health and childhood trauma can change our brains in ways that only therapy and medicine can help, and that is okay!
This post is part of the confessional series. Where I word-vomit all of my thoughts and feelings onto the page, over time, these posts may no longer represent where I am in my journey, and I will try to update them as needed.
As I was reading my Bible this morning, God spoke to my heart about a struggle I have dealt with for as long as I can remember.
Paul tells the churches in Galatia: “For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ.”
I have a deep-seated fear of man! So deep that I don’t even realize it’s the reason I make many of my choices.
Choices to disobey God to look good to others.
So what is it that I’m afraid of?
That you’ll think that I’m:
A bad parent, emotional, disorganized, not smart enough, tell stupid jokes, talk weird and am easily excited, faithless, that you’re better than me, that I’m not skinny enough, that I have a messy house, that I lack self-discipline, that I cry too much, that I get too easily involved in other people’s problems, that I don’t love you, that I’m lazy, that I spend too much time on the computer, that I’m not a good blogger, that I’m not pretty, and SO MANY OTHER THINGS!
So then I sin. I try to cover up who I am.
Maybe I lie or pretend to know something I don’t.
I am not being REAL.
Even in my previous post, I edited and edited some more. I kept thinking that I’m not a writer, can’t spell, and often use too many exclamation points, but I have to make it better so you’ll keep coming back.
I AM TIRED!
I tire of focusing on what others may or may not think about me. I am sick of being so self-absorbed that I regret saying something stupid for hours after I say it. I no longer want to plaster on a fake smile because I’m so nervous about embarrassing myself that I can’t even focus on what you’re saying.
I am ready to lay this fear down. If I care about pleasing MEN, I cannot be a bond-servant for CHRIST.
That statement slaps me in the face.
People will always judge me; only God will accept me where I am. I have to keep my eyes on Him.
The Word and the Will of God are offensive.
I can no longer seek the approval of man if I want the abundant life God has promised.
“He said to me, “‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore, most gladly, I will rather boast in my infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore, I take pleasure in infirmities, reproaches, needs, persecutions, and distresses for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
A few things happen in my heart when I live in this state of fear:
1) I try to deny it to you and myself, thus lying to both of us. I am not perfect, so I try to excuse myself from my own imperfections. The problem with that? I cannot grant myself grace, only excuses as to why I am not good enough. Those are worthless. God’s grace to be imperfect, however, is just what I need.
I need to live by the mentality that I am a work in progress, and any changes that are made in me come from Him and not from me. I can’t earn His favor, and I don’t have to!
When I start to make excuses for why my house isn’t clean or I am not spending enough time with my kids, I start to get prideful.
Not only do I begin to believe I am doing the best I can (which I’m probably not), but I also forfeit His grace because I no longer need it. In my mind, I am not weak so there is no place for His power in me to make me better.
2) I lose focus on what God thinks about how I live my life.
The only opinion that matters is God’s.
He has the final say about every choice I make (at least He does if I’m seeking to please Him and Him alone).
God’s views of life and man’s views are entirely different.
God can see everything we can’t. I hope I will never lead a friend or family member to do anything apart from what God is speaking to them.
Today, I am trying to refocus. To remember who I am here for. I am here to glorify Him and not myself.
I pray I will grow stronger daily in my commitment to him and be less concerned about what those around me may be thinking.
Do you struggle with the fear of man? If so, what are some ways you refocus?