Why did God allow my husband to cheat on me?
Why?
It's a question I asked in tears, anguish, and with a balled fist. I was sad at first, and hurt, but eventually, that gave way to anger at God.
He could have stopped my husband; he SHOULD have stopped my husband. Why would he allow me to go through so much pain?
Was I perfect in our marriage? No, not by a long shot, but I would have never had sex with another man.
After years of pain and sorrow over my dead marriage, I am sitting here today (remarried to the man that once cheated on me) and I still wonder just what God sees that I can't.
I do see growth in my life like my Open Letter to the Woman that Slept with My Husband.
Maybe one day we will see it all, but for now, we can only look back and judge based off of our limited knowledge and understanding of God.
Sometimes God will allow you to see things, and sometimes we are left wondering.
I can look at the Bible and understand a few basic truths about why God allowed my husband to cheat.
- First of all, my husband is a sinner. That is a clear and obvious truth.
I may have assumed too much to think my husband was incapable of this kind of betrayal because we all sin and fall short of the glory of God, so why would this be any different?
- I can also see now many many things I did throughout our marriage that paved a road for this kind of sin in my marriage. This is not to say that you and I are ever to blame for someone else's sin, but we do bear the weight and responsibility of our sins, and there is a pretty good chance that our sins have and will affect the lives of our husbands.
I had an emotional affair, and while this was the first of many issues that could and would burn my marriage to the ground, I would be a fool not to look into the mirror first.
- God is sovereign. The Bible says " and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him and have been called according to his purpose.
So rewritten this would answer our question ... Why did God allow my husband to cheat? Do you see this? And we know that in all things... even our husband cheating on us, God is working for our good, according to HIS purpose.
It's not according to our purpose, but it does say that it's for our good. How could my husband's affair possibly be for my good, though?
We can't always know the answer to that, but we can look at a familiar story to remind ourselves of God's goodness.
I want you to read the story of Joseph, and consider that you are Joseph and Joseph's brothers are your husband and the "other woman." While we don't know what will become of our story yet, and we may not be able to see our story the way we can see Joseph's we do see the same God. We love and serve the God of Joseph, and there is hope in that.
So what can we do?
Well, we know that we can do nothing apart from Christ. So let's focus our attention there.
Let's commit to focusing not on our husband's affair, but instead on God.
Today, I want you to go before our Lord, and ask Him why He allowed your husband to cheat.
Don't be afraid to ask him what he wants you to learn, and what good he will bring from this.
Ask him those questions and abide in him. I can't tell you why God has allowed our husbands to go astray in this way, but I can tell you that I know, without a doubt, there is a reason for this suffering, and that reason is for our good.
I will leave you with this verse.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. Jeremiah 29: 11-12
Me
While your looking at your bible for how to be husbands and wives dont forget to acknowledge the fact that these MEN had multiple husbands but the women were not given that same right ... Just a thought for anyone out there about a controlling god given men controlling power and unconditional love boundaries ... No women or humanitarian rights taught in that good book of yours.
Shasta Walton
Thank you for your comment. I can understand why you would say that, and it's true that for years, men mistreated women, but when Jesus came, he turned that on its head. He valued, loved, and honored women. I hope you are having an amazing night. <3
Celiwe
I’m going through the same thing. My husband had an on and off affair with a lady for about 6 years but they only had sex twice I have evidence from his Facebook and then recently he had a one night stand with his ex this ex girlfriend has been disturbing me ever since I met him at first he kept in ignoring the advances from the ex but then she brought a business idea that made them work together I think her aim was just to have sex with him so after he blocked her because she was now demanding for a relationship then she called me to let me know that she slept with my husband so I’m confused I don’t know if he has a problem or if it was a mistake that will not happen again I found out about the other affair the same day as well even though he had broken up with both ladies at the time but I’m really devastated just taking one day at a time please help me in prayers
Shasta Walton
Praying for you <3
Shannon
My husband and I were married for 22 years . I had to find out from my best friend he was having an affair with a much younger married woman, she was 27 and he was 45. They met in our church and that is where their affair began,,, he was the song leader and she played piano and sang. I was clueless... I would never had expected such a man of God to betray his family. His job offered him a position out of state that he decided to take ... never once told me about his affair or his plans to leave me and our 4 children. Just walked out ... and cut off all communication with me . I found out about affair 2 weeks later. To date it has been a year and he is pursuing a divorce... he has never spoken to me other than by text message since his leaving. I feel so betrayed and abandoned by him. My ex-in laws have accepted this new woman and even attended her college graduation ceremony. This also added to the feeling of betrayal. He has a very lucrative job.., and I do not make much $. He is fighting me on child support, custody, visitation, everything. I am overwhelmed with the fact that I didn’t cause or ask for this situation.., but seem to be the one who gets punished financially, emotionally by it. I pray God is with my children and I ... that his plan will see us through. That I see past the betrayal...
A prayerful one
I don't know how you are doing right now but OMGOSH this is awful and terrible. I'm praying for your supernatural healing and for prosperity for you and your kids in the spiritial and the natural. That was not right what He did. I am ...wow!
Amanda
I myself have been in these situations. I cheated first. And my husband tortured me for years. Then I went to jail because of him. I got out 3 months later. When I got out i called him before I left the jail grounds. He was with another female who was 19 or 20 im 34. He came home a week later. Everyone told me about him. He got her pregnant. He went to prison over the summer and the truth came out. Im a very aggressive woman. I found the young girl. One of them. We got to know each other well and she had the baby and im blessed the baby was he mans not my husbands. But my husband was doing very nasty things like escorting behind my back. He was bad on meth. Now we are struggling being so far apart and he gets out next Thursday. Im scared and my mind doesn't stop running. I take meds to help. But we decided to start over and date again. And no sex till we know each other again. Im really scared. I need advice. Im trying to move past what he did. But im stuck. I recently got baptized and turned to God and the church.
Dorothy Jernigan
I found out in 2011 my husband cheated on me with young girls from the Philippines. It's 2018 he's 61now and with a 20 year old. I'm very hurt. I wish it would be over but he keeps coming back and I keep taking him back.
Mondo
Dorothy, I'm a 57 year old man still hurting from the pain I endured from a relationship with the only person I ever loved. I'm still hurting and its been 25 years! He came to me 2 years after I caught him cheating and I asked why he abandoned me and he blamed me. I closed the door in his face. I have been celibate for 25 years, haven't been with anyone since. Its very lonely because I can't trust anyone, but I prefer to be alone instead of being treated like crap.
My world is very different from yours on the surface, but we all have the same emotions and suffer the same hurt when someone we love treats us like crap. Be strong and love yourself. Oh, and that thing about time healing, its bullshit, it doesn't heal, it still hurts as much as it did 25 years ago. My mistake was never taking a chance with another person. Don't make the same mistake. God bless and remember to tell yourself you are an awesome person every morning when you wake up.
Carrie Floyd
I have been married to my husband for 16 years. Been with him a total of 20 years. My husband has cheated on me the entire time. Different women. Different times. My heart goes out to each and every one of you. The emotional devastation is painful. Right now I believe He is out of town with yet another one.
I recently learned there is a name for what He is. It is sociopath/ psychopath. I googled the terms and i put in Bible passages referring to sociopaths. Bingo. nt you all to know that maybe some husbands incidents are isolated. But some may not be. Since I have been reading up on the subject matter it helps me emotionally. It helps me to know that no matter how hard I tried. No matter what I did. He still was/ is going to do these things. It has made me stronger and I am ready to leave. Im trusting God to open the doors very soon, and I am not going to look back. We have broke up and lived separately several times thru out the years. He always said he was going to change. He was going to do better. Same end result. I do believe God is always working things out for our better good. Trust God. Research. If one person realizes they are also with a sociopath, Emotionally you will feel better cause then you will know, It's not you. Nothing you do will ever change them. God bless you all. I pray for God to comfort you and continue to provide all you need.
Nicole
My husband and I have been together for 10 years married for 6. He has cheated countless times. I have a soon to be 3 year old stepson. Before the mistress had the baby he moved out and justified in his mind that he didn't have the baby on me. The baby was due in March 2015 and he came back home in October 2014. I forgave him but it was very very hurtful. Recently he has started cheating with another girl since Feb 2016 and most recently a 23 year old at our job. I got through his phone records and see he has conversations with different women, but won't speak to me. Everything is dry. His hellos sand goodbyes. He picks fights with me just so he can go be with them all nite. I give my husband 1000 percent of me and it's not enough. He lies and keeps his secrets and doesn't care if we are together or not. It's hurtful to lay next to someone and still feel alone bc u don't feel the love. I've been praying on my face. And waiting for an answer from god. Makes me feel like God hates me.
Ali
Awe don't feel that way. God adores you and he wants the best for you. I pray that God will show you his will. I too went through this in September only difference my husband and I got seperated. Sometimes we don't know why but God does and as long as we learn that he is the only one that can full fill all our needs it's going to be hard because we're humans and we are always going to make mistakes. I pray that God will show us that he way and heal our broken hearts.
Venus
God does not hate you. You hate you, for putting up with your husband’s crap. God doesn’t want us to be miserable and unhappy and be in an abusive relationship. Just accept that your situation can only change if That’s Gods plan and two if your husband realizes what he is doing is wrong and decides to stop. Either way if you concentrate only on yourself, making yourself happy by doing the things that make you happy; God’s plan will come to play. Love your husband, but love yourself more!
Sheree
My heart goes out to all of you. I feel that my spouse has committed adultery also but cannot prove it. My preference is to end my marriage so that my husband will not hurt me to that extent but my church is urging me to stay. I don't want to be on meds or gave anxiety because of my husband's unfaithfulness. I am always praying that God will deliver me out of the hands of my husband and out of the hands of the wicked one period. I feel like this lifestyle is for those who desire drama and to live in sin. Not for those who desire to live in the light, but what do I know. My husband deceived my by acting as a Christian on Christian Mingle. How I wish I only knew the tactics of the enemy before I married. I was praying and reading my bible daily before I my my husband. He was an attack rather than the answer to my prayers. Well let's continue to lift one another in prayer even when we feel God is silent.
Alice Bango
Four months ago my husband had a sexual encounter with another woman and the woman is expecting his baby.I found out about this 5days ago.I am so hurt and so lost.We dont have kids yet and we have been together for 3years.I feel so betrayed and so angry.He is sorry about it but I do not know what to do.I have been asking God why he allowed him to cheat on me and put me through this pain.I do not know what Gods plan for my life is because I am so hurt.Why does he make us go through so much pain?
Sarah
Hi. Have you gotten divorced? If not... I would encourage you to put every ounce of trust in the Lord. Lean on him in everyway. My husband got his mistress pregnant 4mnths after we were married. I found out he was having an affair 4mnths after we got married. I know its incredibly difficult. Heartbreaking. Gut wrenching. And it will by no means ever be easy from here on out. I got divorced 9mnths after getting married bc of all this. But God is faithful and i would encourage you to trust him and not man. Stay married. Become the woman God wants you to become. I will pray for you.
Vicky
Sister in Christ. Ive experienced the same pain you are going through. Listen to Tony Evans sermon, "God knows what He is doing." Not to say it will ease the pain but it made me understand why God allowed it to happen. I pray that God will heal your broken heart!
Jemma ty
I'm married for 12 years,and my man cheated on me with his co worker. He betrayed me.i surrender myself to you.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Sandra chan
This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of Light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the Light, and will not come into the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the Light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been
The Consequences Of Adultery And All Other Sins
Just because you are truly forgiven by God Almighty, as you come to Him and confession is made to Him as you turn away from adultery and other sins and you forgive yourself. Doesn’t mean you are delivered from the repercussions of that sin or sins. As the saying goes “Every action has a consequence.” Now the forgiveness of sins means that you are spiritually forgiven and that God has promised eternal Salvation for those who turn away from adultery. But their is physical and emotional payment such as: broken marriages, which leads to broken homes and families. Also the battle of fornication or other sexual immorality, that one will battle between the fleshes will and the Spirits will. And what goes with that battle is the feeling of guilt, feelings and thoughts of uncleanness and unworthiness, which can lead to depression, defeat which can then leads to backsliding in a believers life. The loss of faith, which then leads to the loss of Salvation. So in short, it really isn’t worth a moment of pleasure for a life time of hell. You can lose your Salvation.
We must keep in mind that without faith you cannot be saved nor can you please God the Father. This is why the devil attacks our faith through temptations, to shipwreck our faith through sins. Also must keep in mind that all sins will be exposed, especially adultery. for marriage is a Holy, God ordained Institution between a man and a woman that should never be taken lightly nor corrupted. Further more it is the light of Christ Jesus that reveals hidden darkness. It is for our own spiritual good that He does this. He is The Holy God and He cannot fellowship with darkness. He will not allow evil to remain in the Child of God for relational sake between His children and Himself, as it is written:
John 3:19-21
Sarah
Thank you for this reply. I wrote here in a September but I still need encouragement. The 17th was 2yrs since my exhusband left me for her and everyday I pray for him.
ARAT Denise
I am in the same situation. Thought everything was good but I found out he was messing with his coworker. I cried every night for months. I have never in my life felt so low and betrayed
Sarah
My husband left me for his new coworker too. Keep your faith. Become the woman God wants you to become. Put all your worries at God's feet. Lay upon him every hurt. Anger. Everything. I'm sorry this happened to you but in time we all will become stronger. But I empower you to trust God and do not lose hope in your marriage. I am divorced and it is worse on this side. Constant thoughts of failure even though it was not my fault. I played my part. But your husband chose you as a wife for a reason. Be the reason he chooses to come home. Keep your mouth closed. Spill out your words to the Lord and not man.
PERLA PEREZ
CAN SOMEONE HELP? I HAVE BEEN 6 YEARS WITH MY HUSBAND AND MY SECOND MARRIAGE. I JUST FOUND OUT 2 DAYS AGO HE CHEATED ON ME THRU TEXT MESSAGES AND PHONE CALLS. I FOUND OUT IT WAS AN EX GIRLFRIEND HE HAD BEFORE ME AND ASK HER TO SEND PICTURES OF HER. MY HEART IS TORN IN PIECES I KICKED HIM OUT AT 2 IN THE MORNING. I NEED ADVICE MY IDEA IS NOT TAKE HIM BACK BUT WE HAVE 3 CHILDREN AND THEY CRIED FOR HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING DOES ANYONE HERE AGREE WITH SECOND OR THIRD CHANCES?? HOW CAN I KNOW GOD IS SAYING NO TO THIS AND WANT ME TO MOVE ON.
JM
I found out my husband has an affair 4 months ago.. The girl's husband called me.. I was sad.. Frustrated.. Stress... I even tried to kill myself.. And the girl even said : are you dead yet? Tell how pathetic i was and she just wanted to sit down and enjoy the show.. That girl even wants to leave her sons for my husband.. Threatened me.. And want to ruin my life until my last cell.. I am now still with my husband will all these untrusted feelings.. I know that they still message each other. I put all my hope and life in Jesus. I just want to rest. I feel more better now..coz i believe Jesus's plan for me will be better than what i have now. I told my husband that i forgive him (he never says sorry to me for him what he did is not wrong).. I told him if he wants to leave me.. I will take the house,his money and he will never see our kids anymore. I know i am wrong. But the pain is still there. The pain is just too deep.. I feel want to leave him. But for the sake of my girls.. I try to keep quite and be happy for them.
This case makes me close to God. Faith in Jesus is the best medicine for my soul... I dont know what will happen in our marriage. I just trust God will finish everything according to His plan
Reanna
I just found out my husband had a sexual encounter with someone before I showed up to live with him overseas. I just found out, it happened OVER A YEAR AGO. I am so incredibly hurt. I'm lost. I don't know where to start some days I feel like we can do this and then I catch myself so angry and hating him. My blood boils when he touches me. I'm praying. Praying so hard. I'm reading the praying wife. I don't care to talk to him, but freak out when he doesn't message me. IM SO ANGRY. I can see the hurt in his eyes, and I want to know everything about it. It just doesn't make sense to me. He denied being married, he denied me as his wife, he said the girl never asked. However, she found out he was married when she saw us together at her work. I was so angry at her now that after all the times she saw me by myself at her work she never told me. Why was I lied to for so long?? My husband has a horrible sin with sexting other women, that's been an ongoing issue with our relationship. Now, this affair. My heart is so broken. I'm finding comfort in my lord, but I don't feel like I'm hearing him. We are in our mid 20's and been together for 4 years in May and married for 2 years in October. I don't know where to start to fix this marriage.
Karen
Ephesian 6:12 "for we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places."
Don't hate your husband, show him love instead.
Love can cure anything.
Because our enemy is not the human, but the evil behind them, who controlling their mind and their behavior. Keep on praying to realease him from the evils and don't loose your faith to God!
I hope this could help...
Rachel
You are so right in what you said ??
Tammy
I just found out last month that my husband cheated when he was deployed to Afghanistan, 3 years ago. He didn't tell me, I found out because something else happened that made me read his text messages. He was never the same after he came home. He has been medically retired due to PTSD, and injures that occured while deployed. As of 4 months ago he texted her and said he wanted her again, that was the text I found. His excuse was "I was drunk and we were fighting so I thought what do I have to lose". She lives in another state so nothing would of come of it but the thought was there. Then I found another text from the night before he had sent a dirty picture of himself asking a girl we know if she would sent a picture of herself (she didn't ). Again his excuse was the same as before. The excuse for the actual cheating was I was drunk. I am so hurt by all of this but I remain a faithful wife, and committed to this marriage. Why, I have no explanation except that he is my best friend, the love of my life and Ican't imagine my life without him. I can't seem to get the visions of what they did out of my mind. I now have severe anxiety and can barely go to work everyday. I'm on several medications for anxiety and mood disorder now, and in counseling. I'm writing because I thought maybe you could give me some advice since you've experienced a similar ordeal. I just want to heal.
KC
I'm going thru a very similar situation but girls husband contacted me on Facebook after he caught his wife talking to my husband over text.. I immediately kicked him out, its been 8 days without him, he was my best friend and I miss him so much, tell me how do you cope being in his presence? Are you not constantly afraid this may never end? I'm struggling with forgiveness but even more so with fear.
Shasta Walton
KC, I have been remarried now for almost two years, and I can tell you that the fear will always be there. Sometimes I catch myself dwelling on the things that have happened in the past, but I have to force myself to move forward. The truth is, I love my husband, and I was willing to come back to him after he offered true repentance over what he had done. Now I just have to trust that regardless of the choices he may make from here on out, I will be okay. I can handle anything he may choose to do because I know that God will provide for me and meet my needs. I know in the midst of it, it can seem like what you have in front of you (this situation) is all there is. You have a God that loves you and has a plan for your life. While this may seem like the worst life has to offer, beauty can come from these ashes, and you can experience a new love not only for your husband but God. He can make everything new, but it's hard and painful. Forgiveness doesn't come easy, and it is something you will have to do continually for the rest of your marriage. It helps me to remember all I have done wrong in the marriage when I am dealing with anger towards my husband. As I sit and stew, I will start to think of any angry words or times when I disrespected my husband to try to put my marriage into perspective. I want to be loved unconditionally, even on my worst days, and even if your husband doesn't realize it, that's what he wants as well. He needs to know you love him, and you need to know he loves you, but at the moment, neither of you are feeling this. I would encourage you to go out of your way to show your husband unconditional love and don't stop. Find a trusted friend to vent to, one who can talk you down, and wants to see your marriage saved and let everything out to them. If you don't have that, just go to God. I have journals full of yelling, anger, and tears from when I just didn't understand why this was happening to me and what to do about it. I will be praying for your marriage. Please email me if you ever need to talk.
Shasta Walton
I'm sorry. I don't know how I missed this comment. Tammy, can you give us an update on your situation? I'm so sorry for all that you've gone through.
Tammy
Well here is an update, things continued to get worse in our relationship so I decided to move out. On the day I picked up my keys he was drinking and when I got home he was livid, there was some physical aggression and I had to call the police, he went to jail. I did get everything moved out. We had a no contact order for 3 months and then we started talking again and got back together, we sold our home and he moved in with me into my apartment. Things are better, he has to take 9 months of battery classes, and he has slowed way down on his drinking. I still wish he wouldn't drink but at least he is not getting drunk. He hasn't been physical with again since that day. I still think about the cheating everyday and can't get it out of my head. I pray everyday that God will give me the strength to forgive and forget, but I honestly don't know how. I love him and he is still my best friend, but I know I'm not his. He fishes everyday and that drives me crazy. I don't feel loved and appreciated but I can't let go and that makes me so mad at myself. He said he learned his lesson on cheating and I actually do believe him, but I believed he would ever cheat in the first place. So everything just really sucks, he is only intimate with me when he wants it which is maybe twice a month and that's not enough for me.... I hate my life and I wish I didn't love him. I wish God would tell me to leave but He hasn't so I stay because I hold on to the hope that God has a plan for us and that in time we will heal.
Reanna
I'm going through the same thing. I left my comment above. I'm having a hard time.
Hope
Tammy, I am going through the same thing and in some aspects worse, because of how it happened but we are still together. I encourage you to find a good Christian counselor to help the two of you through this. It is the BEST way forward.
Rochelle
Oh, Shasta!
I'm so happy you remarried your husband! I spent many nights praying for you -- God is so good! may God bless your "new" family!
Shasta Walton
Thank you, and thank you for your prayers. God is indeed good!! All the time 🙂