Every story of redemption starts in a place of pain and heartache. I can't possibly share the good without first sharing the bad.
When Marriage Becomes A Broken Dream.
I watched them often, and loved them equally. The Notebook, Jerry Maguire, Romeo & Juliet, Twilight, the list goes on and on. I sat and watched on the big screen, the small screen, lucky women, finding what I longed for. I wanted him to say "you complete me". I wanted him to want to die, without me. To be willing to sacrifice his own love for me, because of his unwavering love for me.
Tears of happiness streamed down my face for the character who found true love. Tears of sorrow for woman inside who felt unloved, unknown, unseen.
After being married for years, I didn't have what my heart longed for. I had a mess. A messed up husband, and a messed up marriage. I wouldn't deny that I too was messed up, and my life felt like it was crumbling around me.
Where was the attraction I once had for my husband? Why did I look at him, and sometimes feel like I hadn't really seen him in weeks? What had become of the man who once captivated my heart, made me laugh, and excited me in so many ways?
Why did I even get married? Life was easier before marriage.This marriage, this man, were not at all what I thought they would be when I said "I do", so many years ago.
Before I got married I had dreams. Dreams about the man, the marriage, our home, our children. So many dreams, with little to show for it. A broken heart, a broken spirit, and a shattered dream, that was what I had.
I don't know when he went from being my best friend, to someone I couldn't stand being around. I don't know when I went from wanting to share my life with him, to wanting to keep secrets from him.
What changed? I haven't changed, and if I have it's because of who he's forced me to become. He's sucked everything that was once wonderful about me, out of me. I'm a shell of a person. I don't even like me anymore.
Why is it that the one relationship in my life that was supposed to provide me with protection, feels like it's killing me? Why can't I be loved unconditionally in sickness and in health? Why does it feel like he doesn't even know me anymore? Maybe he never knew me at all.
Maybe I believed a lie. Maybe I married the wrong person. We were young, and I was foolish. I clearly didn't understand the gravity and finality of my choice, all those years ago. How could I have? I was just a young woman, fresh faced and full of imagination and determination.
So here I sit, asking question after question, to myself. Wondering how long I can actually survive in this hopeless state. I've been beaten down, not by him, but by life, and he hasn't made it any easier. I know in these moments that God loves me, but I don't understand why He would let me end up here. Is this my punishment for getting married before I was a Christian? Is this my "cross to bear"? How could anything change in my marriage when my husband and I are worlds apart?
So I cry for my marriage, my family, and myself. When will the pain and disappointment end? When will I get to my breaking point? When will I find what I'm looking for? Can it even be found? Maybe I want too much. Maybe I'm a bad person. Maybe I wasn't meant to be happy.
To be continued....