I'm beginning to dissect parts of myself that I have always tried to ignore.
I am a fearful Christian, afraid of so many things.
I can say without a doubt that two of my biggest fears often consume my thoughts and undoubtedly effect my actions
(I will try to share my second greatest fear in another post). UPDATE: I'm Afraid of You
My first, and possibly most debilitating fear is losing a child. You may be thinking, "Yes, that scares most parents" , but for me it's so much more than the fear of loss, that burdens my spirit.
As I was blog hopping last night I came upon not one, but two mothers who have lost their children. One was taken by drowning, and the other by a dresser falling on him.
I sobbed as I shared these stories with my husband. Explaining that I couldn't handle losing my children in such a way. I can't imagine the last images of my children being blood-soaked memories, or desperately trying to revive them with no success.
I try to trust God, and believe that His reasoning for tragedies such as these "all work together for the good, of those who love Him".
BUT. I. DON'T. UNDERSTAND. IT.
So today I seek to trust Him more. To really believe with all my heart that He is always doing what is best for us, even when it doesn't feel that way. I am in awe when I read the blogs of women like this who are still planted so firmly in Christ, even when the doubts come and the tears fall. They still BELIEVE. They have a peace that no one can understand, and they find comfort that the world can't provide.
I have come to a point where I have to make a choice.
A fork in the road of my faith.
Will I TRUST or will I continue to walk in fear?
Will I lay it all down before Him, and KNOW that He has my life under control. Trusting that whatever may come, comes for my good. That regardless of how painful it may be, in the end I will look more like Jesus, and God will be glorified.
Will I walk away, feeling angry and bitter about the harsh realities of this life.
Will I accept God as long as He doesn't do anything that goes against my plans for the future, but turn my back as soon as the trials come.
Only you know the plans you have for us. You tell me through your Word that you have plans to prosper me and not to harm me. I believe that even when I can't understand, what you choose is best for me and my family. Help me today Lord to lay it all down and trust you. Empty me of my plans and desires, and help me to walk in your ways, each and every day.
May I never fall away, but always draw closer to you. Forgive me Lord for having such wavering faith.
In Jesus name I pray,
As I wrote out this prayer, I was suddenly aware that if anyone can understand what these mothers are going through it is God. He sent His Son to this earth and watched as he was mocked, beaten, and put to death.
HIS ONLY SON
Nails ripped through His flesh and a spear pierced His side, as His lifeblood flowed to the ground.
Just so we could join Him for a life of beauty, peace, and rest in Heaven.
Thank you Lord for reminding me, that this is not our home. That we are only here for a little while, until the you call us home. In whatever method you choose, I can rest in the assurance of the destination.