Can I be real?
If I can be transparent for just one post, maybe I can give you an idea of where I'm at. I have been a Christian for about 8 years now. This road has been paved with a mix of joy, pain, peace, sorrow, growth, and longing. God has been teaching me so much about myself, and about Him, but sometimes He teaches me really big lessons. These lessons can take years to learn, but I know they are necessary.
One of the things I have learned is that for a long time my relationship with God and my faith was extremely vulnerable to the influences around me. So much so that I have begun to wonder if maybe I haven't ever really owned my faith. Maybe it has always been in some ways, the faith of others. A sort of melting pot of faith; where I listened to others tell me what the Bible meant for them, and I adopted the meanings and revelations for myself as well. After 2 long years here in Mobile, with absolutely NO FRIENDS, I no longer have to worry about that. Instead I am learning about my own faith. I am learning to really listen to what God says to me through His word and to pay attention to how Jesus responded in each situation, instead of calling up a friend for their opinion. There have been times in the past two years when I have doubted God.
I have doubted that He cares for me, and my family.
I have doubted His goodness, and His plan for my life.
I have doubted His ability to change me.
and I have doubted His presence.
It has been hard to swim upstream through these doubts, but as the unfailing God always does, He has brought me through. Though I fear the upstream swim won't end any time soon.
For all the things I doubt this is what I know:
GOD'S WORD IS TRUE AND HOLDS THE ANSWERS TO LIFE.
If I know that then I also know:
- God has a perfect plan and will for my life. I will reach the end of that plan, but the journey will be as painful as I make it. I have the free will to choose to do things the wrong way, and the Holy Spirit to help me do them His way.
- Every good and perfect thing is from God; and sometimes things that don't seem good and perfect really are, to the one who knows the end of my story.
- Joy and peace can come from God in circumstances that generally wouldn't warrant joy or peace.
Now I'm faced with the reality of living out my own faith, and the only way I know of to do that is to stick closer to God than ever. To spend every day reading His living word, and communicating with Him on a daily basis. He is teaching me great things, but they are sometimes uncomfortable and painful lessons. While having no friends wouldn't be my ideal way to live these past 2 years I have learned a lot. I can honestly say, that while friends are a blessing from God, He is enough. He is all we need. When we have no one to turn to He is more than enough.