Are you and your ex-spouse considering getting back together after divorce? If so, I would love to talk to you. I have some warnings, some tips, and some resources for you.
Most of my regular readers know that in 2011 my husband told me he wanted a divorce. If you found me through a Google search, it may be helpful for you to go through some of my posts about our divorce, adultery, and remarriage. Today I want to touch on getting back together after divorce because that's exactly what my husband and I did.
He took it all the way; we signed the papers, and it was a done deal. We were both in relationships, and he had even proposed, but because our divorce happened so quickly neither of us had healed from the pain. We were both in relationships that were unfair to the people we were with because we were still stuck to each other. As a Christian, I don't know that the "being stuck" ever actually goes away. When two people come together and make a marriage covenant with God and each other, they become one. I don't personally believe that when that marriage is broken either walk away as whole people. They are broken.
Anyway, all of that to say that we were broken without each other. God brought us back together, and it was a beautiful and amazing thing....
Getting Back Together After Divorce: The Truth
It didn't stay that way long. You see, just the act of getting divorced along with any relationships after divorce are baggage that you bring back into the relationship. Mix that with a lack of trust, and fear that your marriage will fail again, and you have a huge storm brewing. You can't just walk back into a marriage that deteriorated and thought you can start fresh, as awesome as that would be it just isn't realistic. You will continue to fight about the things that you fought about before divorce, your parenting styles will still be different, and heaven forbid you, or they picked up a bad habit or two during your separation.
This was very real for us. When we got remarried, the crap hit the fan within a few months. Maybe within a month. The joy and newness wore off, the doubts started creeping in, and I found myself questioning whether I had made a mistake by remarrying John in the first place. This isn't unusual, as a matter of fact, you should probably go back into marriage expecting it to be painful and hard. If you thought you had issues before you got married, just wait until you get back together again.
I'm not saying that to scare you, but I will say you have to give your marriage a second try with complete commitment to making it work. If you are committed to doing everything in your power to create a healthy marriage why would you even try again? So ask yourself, how committed am I?
John and I have had some of the most amazing times together where we knew that the best thing that could have happened to us was to get divorced. Then we have had some of the most terrible times where we wished we could take the divorce back, so we didn't have to live its consequences here in the present.
I believe with all my heart that God allowed John and me to get divorced to change us and our marriage. Does that mean it's easier now? Heck no, but I believe we are both more committed to making this work than we ever were before. I also believe that we are surer of the love we have for each other because if you can come back from a divorce and a marriage riddled with unfaithfulness on both sides you can face pretty much anything together.
Getting Back Together After Divorce: Resources
If you are currently considering getting back together after divorce, I hope you will check out a resource that has been very valuable to my husband and I. The program is called Marriage Fitness, and it covers so many issues you will face when you return to your ex-spouse. You will learn how to deal with all of the issues you never learned to deal with when you got married the first time.
One of my favorite parts of Phase 1 is when Mort Fertel is answering a question about knowing if you married the right person. He said something that I believe to be true, but sometimes doubt and it's an excellent reminder:
When you fall in love, you've done nothing. Falling in love is easy and takes no work on your part or the part of your husband. Staying in love is something completely different. Staying in love as the years go by takes a willingness to work through issues and change yourself to be the person your spouse needs you to be.
It's so true. When I was falling in love with my husband I was willing to be the girlfriend he needed me to be and it was easy to love him. The things he did that made me laugh and fall in love with him in the first place soon became the things I hated about him. Don't let that be you. Don't think you jump back into marriage like nothing ever happened. A lot happened, and a lot will continue to happen. I believe that the lessons you will cover in Marriage Fitness will be very beneficial to you and your ex-spouse if you put the time in. You can also do it alone, but I'm going to assume that if you're getting back together, you are both interested in making things better this time around.
You can also get Mort's 7 Secrets to Fixing Your Marriage here.
About Marriage Fitness:
Traditional marriage counseling and most relationship books offer problem-solving strategies and communication skills. But tackling marriage problems stress-out a relationship and make a bad marriage worse. And did you ever try to communicate when you're angry? That doesn't work either.
Marriage Fitness is an innovative step-by-step relationship-changing system that teaches you how to save your marriage. You'll learn to neutralize your problems and put into practice a system of relationship habits that will shift the momentum of your marriage. And the best news is—you don't have to dig into your past, dredge up your problems, or practice communication techniques. This is not marriage counseling; it's Marriage Fitness!
I know the site isn't the best-looking site in the world, but trust me this purchase is worth every penny! I printed out the 175-page workbook, and I don't ever do that. That's how much hope this program gives me that my husband and I can build more than a healthy marriage, but an amazing marriage!
After doing some of the lessons together, I have learned more about my husband than I ever thought I would. He has started opening up and sharing his thoughts. As a man he does find some of it to be repetitive and feels like our time may be better spent doing yard work, but he's still doing it with me, and I hope over time he will be grateful that we did!