In January of 2009, I had my life all planned out. We had three kids 2 boys and a girl and I was doing great (I was shocked by how easy the transition to 3 kids was). I was homeschooling, involved in church and MOPS, and finally felt like I was right where I wanted to be.
Then it happened...
In February I found out I was pregnant. This was a huge shock to me because in the past we had always tried for a few months before we could get pregnant.
I will never forget the look on my husbands face when he found out, we had similar responses... shock ... fear ... dread. Could it be that a family of 5 could have an unwanted pregnancy? Not only was I shocked about the pregnancy; I couldn't believe that I was unhappy about it.
I was so confused by my emotions. I had never been so afraid in my life. I couldn't possibly be a "good" mom to four kids. I knew how hard it was to have two small ones so close together. My boys were 14 months apart and that period in my life was a huge struggle, now I would have 4 children 5 and under.
I wish I could tell you that I turned to God and sought His help but I didn't (not the way I should have). I still went to church, and MOPS, but life was NOT the same.
Thinking about this unwanted pregnancy consumed my every thought. I would Google "ways to have a miscarriage" and "natural abortion", then I would reach out to anyone who would listen and tell them how hard this was for me, but no one seemed to have any answers. My friends would say "God has a plan", "You'll be a great mom, God wouldn't give you more than you can bear", and "Wait until you see the first ultrasound, that will help make this real".
While they were only doing what they knew to do, those things were not helpful to me. I was drowning daily in despair.
The consequences of my secret desires for a miscarriage or abortion was SHAME. It was so dark and would arrest my soul in the middle of the night. I would wonder, if I did make it to full-term, would God give the baby a birth defect or worse give the baby life until I fell in love and then take her. I couldn't feel the love or comfort of God, I could only see an angry God who hated me for being so selfish and ungrateful for this miracle of life.
As I started to progress in my pregnancy and my belly grew, and feet fluttered inside my womb, my heart was changed. I "woke" up to the fact that this was a real person growing inside me, not a problem, a burden, a change in MY plans for my life.
I was carrying a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter and I can't imagine my life without her!
Suddenly she was real to me, and I couldn't wait to meet her. I was still afraid of what kind of mother I would be, but I had hope.
God has been doing great work in me, and I know he is faithful to complete it. Over the past two years, He has shown me how little I rely on Him and how much faith I have in myself.
If you know someone who is experiencing the pain and regrets of an unwanted pregnancy please take the time to invest in them. They need you!
Before my own experience I used to think "What kind of person can consider abortion?" and "How can someone kill their own baby?".
Now I know.
Anyone can be faced with an unwanted pregnancy. A teen, a college student, a mother, a father.
A person can choose abortion because the fear and pain are so great that they can't see the Truth.
What I needed was someone who could tell me that they too had been in my shoes and that they understood. I didn't want answers or judgments, I just needed a friend to hold my hand, cry with me, and listen to me.
If you are pregnant and need help please don't hesitate to email me, I am here to listen.
Maybe you already made the choice to have an abortion. I can tell you that it's okay, there is hope for you still. Our God is a God of forgiveness, and he loves you just the same. Don't let the shame a guilt rule over you.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28
Are you interested in helping women who are struggling with these issues? Check out my post about the Women's Resource Center for more information.
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. - Psalm 139:13-16